she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
