im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I lost the right to judge tonight
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
