Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
