Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
