I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Is it penis luge time yet?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
