Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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