watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
