this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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