mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
