have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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