I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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