saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Randomize
