I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
