i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
