pop tarts are not kleenex
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
