I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
