he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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