I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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