you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
