It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
