i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
