The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
