Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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