Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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