i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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