I wanna passion pit in your ass
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
