I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Houston, we have a blender
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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