help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
