My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
