Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
