I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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