I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
