Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
