I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
