It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
