Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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