Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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