Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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