12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
