So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
