I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
