shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
