Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You are a genius and a whore.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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