totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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