So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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