I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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