like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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