I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We had sex on a dog bed..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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