I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
