I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
